Am I dumb?

Life is a drama, a continuum not a monotony.. It really exposes you to tasks where you can rediscover yourself, get demoralised at times and get refuelled the other moment. It introduces you to myriad people with a variety of attitudes and behaviourial patterns.
Today I realise, when we say "he/ she was not like this, there is a lot of change in him/her", there is so much truth in these words. Our surroundings, peers force us to change in a way we do not want to. For that matter I have changed a lot from what I was and most often unwillingly. None of us want to show our evil part or become harsh on anyone unless forced to.. wait... this was what I thought until today. But even when we are good to someone, ready to help, even then do we deserve unkindness, ingratitude??!!! Why would any sane person be eager to help that person a second time?
We humans are utterly deceptive and have the tendency to build a world of falsehood all around us trying to impress every second person with sugar coated words. We often tend to build an impecable image in front of the world(most of whom are just mere aquaintances) even if that means demeaning someone who cares for you.. All that we humans understand is that "I am the best" and even forget to acknowledge the people who helped us and made sacrifices for making us the best. The irony lies in the fact we stoop down to the level of insulting them once our purpose is fulfilled.
I did not expect huge words of praises or gratitude form her, but neither did I expect(or rather deserved) to be hurt.. I feel offended, used and disgusted. Why did I volunteer to help, I feel guilty now.. It's a feeling I can't properly describe.. Am I so dumb that people can use me as and when they want!! Have I lost all my self respect!! Why should I help anyone anymore when they can't appreciate it!! Has friendship become so lowly!! Such eerie thoughts are haunting my mind.. I think I am flabbergasted or rather bruised, perhaps actually confused..
But one thing's sure, people have become smarter and smart enough to take advantage of goodness. But what they don't realise is that the goodness could become evil as well and a hurt kind heart becomes revengeful and repulsive and the kindness disappears thereafter.
You hurt me, I helped you in vain,
O dear aqauintance, I wish I can call you a friend again..

Can I have some sleep, please?

I have turned selfish, I know and I realise that. But with a new phase in life, it is not easy to cope up with the newer challenges that life has to offer. Better place, better people, better experience this is was what I had expected here at IIT(so called the premiere teaching institute of India), but wait did I expect just too much!! At this point, with a tired mind, eyes longing for sleep, I, in a tumultuous state definitely feel that I had actually imagined and desired for too much. It is dawn. Beautiful and serene around me. But I am weeping, craving for sleep, for rest, for little kindness and humanity.
The institute definitely has no flaws. But I realise the world has grown too mean and gross. People have lost the minimum amount of caring attitude towards the world. The situation has come to this point that people would dance and sing aloud if they wished to do so regardless of the fact that someone(tired after a long day) is trying to have a sound sleep. I have always believed that If you cannot give someone happiness, then at least do not give the person pain. Why do mortals forget that whatever they do would return to them at some point in the future? It is really getting tough on my part having to cope up with so many, I would say inconsiderate and rather "professional"(if I could use the term) people. But I guess it is the same everywhere.
My incoherent style of writing(which I am sure you all are able to make out) clearly depicts how I have been trying to get myself some sleep, some peace in the most unfavourable condition that you can imagine. What is even worse is the fear that eventually I will also lose all the kindness and humanity that I have with lot of difficulty preserved till now(though some part of it is already lost).
I am not the kind who can revolt for everything which is not my favour(and I guess people take advantage of this fact). But I wish they could just realise the fact that they maybe in the same situation some day or the other day and alas, then even I would not want to help them. I really wonder how can people and especially the female race get so inconsiderate!!?? Or am I insane that before doing anything I tend to visualise how I would feel put in the same situation as the other?
What I am talking of may seem to be a small personal problem, but looking at the wider picture, it is all the more worse.. If people cannot show a little concern in their daily life, Lord save the world then.. Professionalism is making us smart in one way and killing the softer part in us on the other hand. No wonder, just like our Indian population, social conflicts are on a rise. We are blindly and selfishly moving towards success but we need to halt for a while. We need to check whether the part of our character that we are compromising with is actually worthwhile! Atleast we can do the bare minimum of taking care of the fact that our actions do not cause a problem for others, at least the people we have to deal with everyday(for maybe a short span of time).
Reading my thoughts, I realise how frustrated I sound. And yes I am hurt, frustrated, annoyed and worse I cannot tell that to the person responsible for it. But I pity her. May God give her some positivity and instill some selflessness in her.
      We are progressing, our morality degrading,
      O dear mortals, slow down!
      Else all smiles will be gone leaving behind frowns... 
         

Rhythms of life

Every morning I wake up with new expectations and new resolutions,

Every night I sleep with the realization that the expectations and resolutions both remain unattended.

This was my facebook update this morning. It seems that the spring of life is over and I have entered the autumn phase where I can see only deterioration in myself without any hope of improvement. I am very disappointed with myself, with my reckless attitude.  But it is not entirely my fault. I know we humans are too egoistic to accept our mistake and conveniently pass on the blame so that we do not appear sinful (too strong a word to use though!!). Though, here, I am ready to take the major part of the blame on my feeble shoulders. However, the remaining part is to be put on the prevailing situations, the stagnant phase which I am going through now. With a regular timetable to follow, life is so much rhythmic. Newer chords are played, newer lyrics written and life then sounds like a soulful song. With the loss of this incessantness, the wrong strings seemed to have been plucked and life then seems to be an untuned guitar. I wonder how people complain of their well planned ordered life and are desirous of vacations every now and then. Vacations, small enough does refuel you, but long and frequent ones do nothing but make you lethargic and dull. If relaxation allows you to spend time with yourself and discover yourself, it, also ruins the better part of you, the lively part of you. At the end of this period, thus, you may have turned wise but would have lost the sharpness of your wit.

 I enjoy a hectic life. At least at the end of the day I earn a sound sleep, satisfied and blissful rather than spending the night changing sides and talking to the pillow, mourning. Pressure brings out the best in me. I am a workaholic and proud to be one. The frenetic pace of life doesn’t scare me as much as the calm one does.

Oh Lord! I request thee to give me a life full of activity, full of charm,

Till that day when the sun of my life sets and I rest in your arms.

Enjoyment...

It's no more sultry today. Mother Earth is happy, so are the verdant tress, the shrieking parrots and my dear neighbours. The light shower in the evening seemed to have washed away everybody's biggest distress at the moment by lowering the mercury level. Even in my house there seemed to be an unsaid relief among everyone as if it was one of the best weekends spent. But something was wrong with me, but what! An unusual restlessness, guilt, anxiety seemed to have engulfed me. Why was such a thing happening when I haven't done anything wrong? Not to mention I am supposed to be going through one of the best phases of my life having achieved one of the biggest targets of life. I should be happy, I should rejoice but why these contradicting emotions run across my mind? Confused and spent I paced up and down. The rain which washed away everyones irritation seemed to have taken away the best part of me having left me all the more irritated(rather ironically!!). "I need some freshness and time with myself", I murmured to myself making sure no one else heard else there would be a massive scene at home. I should mention here that my younger sister already thinks I have lost some santiy of my mind having studying Chemistry for three years.
Now I was at the favourite spot of my house, the terrace. Over the years an unknown attachment has built up with this spot. It has been my shoulder for weeping, a witness to my joys and a silent listener to all my worries and here I was now to find answers to my queries. I looked around. The evening sun looked magnificent armed in the cotton like clouds. Everything around was so serene, then why was I at war with myself?! I took my usual seat on the top of the water tank and rewinded all that was happening off late with me and introspected what was going amiss or what was missing. The cool evening breeze brushed my face, the smell of the wet soil tickled my nostrils and I felt so light as if I could fly. All the question marks seemed to be turning to smileys(happy ones) and all the worries seemed to be futile. The answer was so simple and I laughed at my innocence. Everyone was happy because the shower had given them a reason to enjoy and this was what was lacking in my life "Enjoyment". I was missing what I enjoy. I was missing the enjoyment of attending classes, of that desire to be the best in the class, of meeting different creation of the Almighty, of  attempting those challenging problems, of pleasing the teacher and finally of that satisfaction that studying gives me. I realsied how much I enjoy studying be it in any form and how much it matters to me. Without it there seems to be a vacuum of the queerest kind. When I told everyone how enthusiastic I was about Chemistry,I realise I was not wrong. The remorse was all gone now and was replaced by a sense of self pride of having chosen the right path in life .
I found my answers and in the process I realised a few things. Enjoying is the only key which can break the monotony of ones life. Enjoyment is relative that is to say for different people it is different. But the best thing I realised was that Nature is very generous. She can heal all the wounds, be patient enough to listen to all that you have to say and surely offer the best possible solutions. So, to all the readers out there I would say:
                           Whenever you are in a state of grief or disgrace,
                            All you need is Nature's cosy embrace.

The beginning...

I don't know if bliss is possible and I've always thought that my best times will be later in life.

Writing has always been a passion and as I always believe it is the best way of expression. Blogging was a suggestion from a friend. So, here's to her and all of you! Welcome to my blog and happy reading.